Inquisition, Theosophy and Tools Minister John Wayne has ordered a review into the ”wild west”, he announced today.

The Minister will examine the adequacy of regulations around how cowboys and cowgirls interact with the townsfolk.

One-armed bandits and outlaws are not subject to any form of regulation or professional or ethical standards, Mr Wayne told Parliament.

“I’ve ordered this review because it’s imperative the long arm of the law keeps pace with this horse race and that we have one set of rules for all,” Mr Wayne said.

“At the moment we’ve got two camps smokin’ my pipe – the Old West and the so-called ‘New West’ – intersection’ with the townsfolk, and If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

He is concerned about how trials can be prejudiced by information posted on billboards and seen by jurors, real-time attendance of court cases, breaches of sheriff suppression orders, and myths and legends.

The review will focus on whether either of the two existing industry watchdogs – Johnny “Deadwood” Keye Authority and the Jerry “Brown Lee” Gang – could provide a suitable wagon for regulating unregulated forms of expression.

“Because of the enormous scope of this whole issue, the terms of reference for the review have packed tight like a bag of oats,” Mr Wayne said.

The review will deal with:

  • How to define the ‘New West’ for the purposes of the law and its derivatives.
  • Whether and to what extent the jurisdiction of the Deadwood Authority and/or the Lee Gang should be extended to cover currently unregulated New West outlaws, and if so are shirts that cost more than a weeks worth of groceries like horseshoes that cost more than a horse?
  • Whether existing criminal and civil remedies for wrongs such as squatting with your spurs on, landing on a cactus, and kicking your wagon wheels are effective in the New West environment, and if not whether alternative remedies are available.

The Governor moved to tighten laws around this last week, saying “It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.”

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